It’s (Not) About the Jean Jacket

I’ve spent the past 24 hours absolutely frozen with indecision…over which jean jacket to keep.

Yes, I am hyper-focused on two jean jackets – one light wash, one dark wash – that I recently purchased. I don’t know which one to keep. I’ve held polls, focus groups (ok it was my brother’s girlfriend and my sitter, but still), lamented on Instagram over it…and I’m no closer to making a decision.

The light wash is trendy and fits a bit better, but does it have lasting power?

The dark wash is timeless, but is it boring?

I’m both perplexed by this singular focus on an article of clothing I have never owned before this week and unable to stop thinking about this decision. I’ve decided – for no reason at all – that I can only keep one. I scroll back and forth between the photos I’ve taken in each jean jacket – with makeup, sans makeup – I walk into the room I’m staying in at my mom’s once an hour just to try one on, walk around the house wearing it, take it off, repeat again in 59 minutes.

I realized this morning that it has absolutely nothing to do with the jean jackets. It has to do with control. So much is out of my control right now – our house is under renovation post-snowpocalypse and there’s also a pretty major change coming soon that I’ll discuss another time – but none of it I can do much about at the moment. My life feels chaotic and it’s coming out sideways, like fixating on something as trivial as a jean jacket selection. Because although it feels small, it’s a decision I can make. It’s something I can control.

Yet I can’t make a decision. I don’t know what that says, but I’m sure a few sessions with a therapist could suss it out.

If nothing else I feel like it’s good that I’m at least aware of these things. I’ve been pretty proud of myself for not being riddled with anxiety, but maybe, like a virus, it’s mutating and presenting itself in a different fashion. Maybe I’m looking for the wrong symptoms.

Still don’t know what I’m doing about these damn jackets.

x, Meredith

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