Stop Trying to Control Chaos and Other Things I Haven’t Mastered

There’s currently painter’s tape circling my downstairs as a makeshift parade route. Solo cups stacked like castles in my dining room. Barbies and cars and trucks and legos and Easter eggs (long story) strewn about the house planning a coordinated campaign on unsuspecting adult feet (how do children ALWAYS avoid stepping on them?!).

My house is chaotic. Life is chaotic. What looked like a slowing down for all of us after my husband finished a big project at work turned into him coming down with Covid. The pandemic we somehow managed to avoid for 2 years hit our home this past weekend. I don’t like surprises, especially surprises of the plague variety.

So, while my husband spent Father’s Day isolated in the basement with a hastily made “Sry u got Covid” cake for company, I tried not to lose my shit and entertain my 3 children all weekend.

She’s an artist.

Did they add hours to the day because Sunday lasted for approximately 145 hours and the beginning of the week has brought little promise of anything different. I love routine. I love planning. This was not part of the plan.

When my world is chaotic I find myself seeking to control what I can. This morning I embarked on a frenzy of activity, but halfway through cleaning the dish disposal (unnecessary) I stopped myself. “What the hell am I doing?”

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be exhausted. I don’t want that fatigue that reminds me so much of the days/weeks/months when my autoimmune disease was out of control. But the remedy for that isn’t more things to do. My body needs rest. No, my body deserves rest.

So I put down the Lemi Shine, picked up my weighted blanket and rested for an hour. I took a shower (my best thinking happens in the shower/I couldn’t remember the last time I showered) and remembered that the antidote to chaos isn’t trying to control it. In doing so I was allowing chaos to control me. A dirty sink isn’t going to kill me. My home strewn with solo cups, looking like a post frat-house party, isn’t going to kill me. It can wait.

What can’t wait is my own health. It’s so easy to forget that while I’m not sick with Covid, I am currently the sole caretaker and I have to take care of me as well. I can’t come last. I can choose to give in to the guilt and anxiety that a dirty house and growing to-do list gives me, or I can decide to not give those words power. Feelings aren’t facts (a corny, but true platitude). I can choose to honor my body and remember that all that stuff can wait till another day.

It can wait. And while it does I am going to enjoy my front sitting room surrounded by my plant bebes, listen to the older kids squealing (fighting? who knows) outside and enjoy a really good book.

I can rest.


2 thoughts on “Stop Trying to Control Chaos and Other Things I Haven’t Mastered

  1. You are wise beyond your years!!! I hate surprises too. Hope you stay well and the kids stay well and husband gets well fast!!! love the cake. You write so well. I can see those cups!


    1. You are so sweet. Thank you Bonnie. So far so good and everyone is happy (ish), healthy, and I’m…overtired LOL šŸ™‚


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